Best Reasons to Give Noem Money: Nielson Brothers Poll and Kristi’s Horse Lexus

Congresswoman Kristi Noem sends the world a happy little fundraising letter via Facebook. Let's read:

Dear Friend,

On Monday, I had the opportunity to spend the day on my horse, Lexus, herding buffalo.

Kristi's horse is named for a foreign luxury car. Good grief, if you're a real American, wouldn't you name your horse something more earthy and domestic? How about Caddy? Charger? Dakota? Maybe even Pinto?

Each year, with the help of hundreds of volunteers, Custer State Park officials corral 1,200 buffalo into a large pen for health inspections.

Yes, indeed, the roundup is a great program for protecting buffalo and generating positive press and tourism dollars for South Dakota... made possible by effective government.

To me, I can't hardly think of a better place on earth, than being on my horse, with the sun on my back, in beautiful Western South Dakota enjoying the land.

Grammar: To me is a grammatically superfluous outburst of egocentrism. We know you're speaking, Kristi; you don't have to preface your opinion with to me to say that it's your opinion. And can't hardly is a double negative. You should properly say can hardly or can't easily. Josh Shields may tell you errors like this make you sound all Palin-faux-folksy, but they really make it sound as if you can't think.

It's days like Monday that re-energize me and remind me what it is we're fighting for in Washington, DC. Most South Dakotans I know aren't afraid of a hard day's work. Their main request from Washington, DC is to be left alone. No more burdensome regulations. No new tax increases for programs that don't work. Just let them be.

Notice the implication of some false bogeymen here. There are South Dakotans Kristi knows who work hard. There must thus be some lazy group outside her clique on whom we can blame our troubles.

Notice also the interesting shift in rhetoric here. Kristi usually just says no tax increases and government doesn't work. But here she slips and joins the two. With this complex fragment, Kristi acknowledges that there are government programs that do work, like GF&P activities in South Dakota, and the various government handouts she supports for her family business and favored constituencies, and that she must must thus be willing to consider voting for tax increases.

I get that. I get it because that's where I came from and it's who I am. I am as frustrated with Washington as most of you. We still have a lot of work to do. Sometimes it's hard to stay motivated for the fight but we have to remember that if we don't fight for our freedoms, who will?

Notice that the only freedom Kristi has explicitly mentioned here is Grover-Norquist anarcho-capitalism... and maybe horse-riding at government-sponsored tourism events. And what is "the fight" that "we" are waging? And who is "we"? Isn't that the "Friends" to whom this letter is addressed? Isn't that "all South Dakotans"? Either Kristi is dividing South Dakotans into her vague freedom-loving friends and a bunch of lazy layabouts, or her last sentence above (which she also awkwardly repeats verbatim in her p.s.) is stunningly empty.

That's what you get, Kristi, when you don't think about what you write.

Just this last week, some on the other side—

Ah, so "we" isn't all of us. There is some vague "some" on the "other side." Every cowgirl has to believe in bad guys...

—started pushing a Democrat "poll"—

No, Kristi, your scare quotes don't negate its existence, and the Nielson Brothers are not Democrats.

—that isn't really worth the paper it's printed on. It showed me losing to former Congresswoman-turned-Lobbyist Stephanie Herseth Sandlin.

Oh, snap! And with a capital letter! I'll bet she used that scarlet capital L when John Thune took the same career track in 2003.

The "pollster" refused to release who paid for the poll or even the background information about how they got their numbers, but it shows to what lengths the other side will go to gin up their base and make them believe they have a shot at re-taking South Dakota's lone House seat and restoring Nancy Pelosi.

Scare quotes and bogeymen galore! Noem recycles her constantly catty politics of personality and continues to dodge the actual policies (or lack of policies) that she and her boss Speaker Boehner stand for.

That's why I need your help. We have a fundraising deadline on September 30th and I haven't yet reached my fundraising goals for this quarter. We need to raise $20,000 online between now and Friday so that we can post a strong number and show the other side that we're serious and it will take more than a cooked up "poll" to discourage us.

Uh oh. What really ought to discourage Kristi's "friends" is that the Congresswoman apparently takes this "poll" seriously enough to make it the centerpiece of her fundraising plea. She spends two paragraphs fixating on a poll that she says doesn't matter. At the same time, Kristi fails to point to any specific legislation she has passed or even advocated that warrants your donation. The only specific action she mentions is riding her horse. You don't have to spend money to see a lady riding a horse.

It's this kind of feckless writing from Kristi's staffers that makes me think the scare quotes belong on "Congresswoman" Noem.