Because guns are America's God, regulating guns for safety is blasphemy. So rather than interrupt my neighbors' genuflections before the bizzare, weirdly narcissistic, and flatly wrong worship of guns as the source of our freedom, permit me to solve all of our gun safety problems without prying one bang-bang from anyone's cold, clammy hands.

Children die in school shootings because we concentrate our vulnerable little targets in little prisons known as schools. Students who find themselves not fitting into the oppressive incarcerative culture of factory-model schools can develop deep alienation and anger. Should those misfits reach a mental breaking point (or just decide that Heathers should have had a different ending), they may decide to take out their rage on their school and the teachers and students they blame for their ills.

So why create for those shooters these target-rich environments? Close the schools. Send all the kids home. Put all of our curriculum and tests online (we're working on that already) and let everyone do homeschool. School shootings disappear.

Of course, some alienated and angry gun-toters choose to vent their life problems by going ballistic at shopping malls. We clearly need to wind down shopping malls and all stores with physical locations. Send folks home, tell them to buy everything online. FedEx and the Postal Service can triple their workforces and deliver our goodies in armored vehicles.

But we can find examples of mass shootings at work, too. Get the lemmings out of their cubicles; it's time for us all to telecommute! Fewer workers on the road to work means less traffic getting in the way of the delivery trucks bringing all of our purchases to our homes.

Even military bases unnecessarily concentrate human targets for crazed killers. We should disband all of our military bases and distribute their functions to soldiers' homes. After all, warfare in the 21st century is all about drones. We don't need masses of troops; a half million joystick jockeys spread around the continent make America invincible.

Movies? Netflix.

Sporting events? Wii and online role-playing games.

There you go: decentralize and distribute education, commerce, work, and the military. Reduce all of our social connections to online interactions. Let our homes be our castles, fortified to each citizen's level of ambition and paranoia. Deprive the killers of their shooting galleries; make them come shoot us one by tedious one. With this plan, I rid America of mass shootings without touching one comma of the Second Amendment.

I also contribute to the atomization and abandonment of civil society, a voluntary surrender to paranoia and Hobbesian anomie. That's a high price to pay to avoid blaspheming your bullets.