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South Dakota Republican Platform in Eight Simple Planks

I don't usually find much value in anonymous comments. However, one unknown reader responds to Pat Powers's lazy press-release blogging by saving the South Dakota Republican Party Platform Committee a whole lot of work. Here's a nicely distilled version of the SDGOP platform:

PLANK ONE: Keep education funding lowest in the country so our kids will be uneducated Republicans who keep voting for us because they don’t know any better.

PLANK TWO: Make sure babies are born, but then tell them they better pull themselves up by their bootstraps the second they get out of the womb. Personal responsibility, baby. Quit crying already.

PLANK THREE: Keep no-bid contracts. Especially for advertising agencies. They’re the best!

PLANK FOUR: Find more pretty candidates like Kristi. That’s seemed to work well.

PLANK FIVE: Keep lying to people about Obama stealing from Medicare, and while we’re at it keep Mike Rounds’ dad from breaking a hip because us tax payers are funding his health care. Moocher.

PLANK SIX: Obamacare. Keep telling people it sucks but encouraging retirees to check it out if they don’t like the state’s plan.

PLANK SEVEN: Cut education some more. Because why the hell do we need teachers anyway? I don’t have kids in school anymore.

PLANK EIGHT: Keep bringing in that federal dough while saying how bad the federal government is. It’s worked pretty well so far. If we start supporting the federal government they might take that 40 percent of our state budget away.

That should just about do it [anonymous comment, Dakota War College, 2013.06.13].

Republican readers, if that gets you grouchy, well, (1) you have it coming, and (2) I invite you to submit your own satirical renditions of the South Dakota Democratic Party platform.

11 Comments

  1. owen reitzel 2014.06.15

    That about sums it up Cory except I think 47% of our budget comes from the Federal government.
    I had to correct you on that.

  2. Lynn 2014.06.15

    Whomever posted this Bravo! That's a bullseye!

  3. mike from iowa 2014.06.15

    I can name this platform in two planks-one for salmon and the other for wingnuts to walk. Fini.

  4. bret clanton 2014.06.15

    9.1.11 Keep telling ourselves we support the protection of private property rights until we actually believe it........

  5. mike from iowa 2014.06.15

    As for babies,if they are born without a verifiable ,humongous trust fund,we better sell them to third world countries and they can be a drain of foreign aid and work in sweat shops.

  6. Douglas Wiken 2014.06.15

    GOP platforms can be summed up with, "Screw You."

  7. Paladn 2014.06.15

    Blessed are ye who see such complexity and explain same in such simplicity.

  8. John Tsitrian 2014.06.16

    SD Dem Platform in one plank: Let's do everything we can to make sure that we'll never become a meaningful political force in South Dakota.

  9. Mark Remily 2014.06.16

    John, You hit the nail on the head. We can't find candidates because they are afraid to be called liberal. We have to seek out the reasonable republicans and ask for their support. (there are reasonable republicans out there) The only way for the dems to have any chance at all is to have a backbone.

  10. Liberty Dick 2014.06.16

    I will take a stab at the satire :)
    SDDP Platform:
    #1 I am smart enough to vote for a government overlord who will help run my life but not smart enough to make the decisions for myself.
    #2 I am anti-war unless one of my overlords declares it. Then war is necessary and someone other than me should be fighting it.
    #3 I am all for the 2nd amendment as long as it is taxed, regulated, registered, locked in a safe, and never sees the light of day. Because I know what an inalienable right is.
    On second thought can't we just repeal this one?
    #4 Killing convicted murderers = bad
    Killing unborn children = good
    In fact killing babies is so much fun we should make them suffer by inducing labor and use a power drill to scramble their brains just as they are about to see the light of day.
    #5 Take from the poor, give to bureaucracy first, overlords favorite industries next, and finally give some back to poor since they are too stupid to do the math and will think they are getting something out of their tax dollars.
    #6 Take from the rich but give it right back through confusing accounting trickery. Rich overlords don't mind loaning the government money via taxes as long as they get it all back at the end of the year.
    #7 Take from the poor via inflation and just before they revolt raise their minimum wage to try to atone for the loss of value in what little bit of money they have been able to save. Keep slaving away your government loves you! :)
    #8 Any opposition to our Dear Leaders and the lifestyle they have chosen for us to live will be viewed as racist, homophobic, xenophobic, you mother earth hatin' capitalist pigs. Check your privilege! Intellectual dialogue will not be had with the opposition because it might give them credibility. We don't want our drones questioning our authority.

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