Sportsman’s Lounge Seeks Exemption from Madison Mixed Martial Arts Rule

Last updated on 2013.02.23

The agenda for tonight's Madison City Commission meeting includes a letter penned by Sportsman's Lounge operator Kyle Ackerman... or at least signed by him. A cursory review of the penmanship reveals the text of the letter was written by (gasp!) someone else!

Mr. Ackerman worries that since there is a "city ordinance against cage fighting," he won't be able to invite Gene Tunhoft's "midget wrestling" show back to the Sportsman's Lounge for the general enjoyment of Madison's beer-drinking community (wait, that's redundant, isn't it?).

Kyle, buddy, hold the phone. First, my friend Mr. Gerlach will remind you that the proper term is "mixed martial arts." Second, yes, Madison does have a new ordinance dealing with fisticuffs and footicuffs as entertainment. However, unlike our faint-hearted neighbors in Watertown, Madison welcomes such violent sports. Ordinance 1505, approved this spring, allows all manner of managed mayhem in our bars, as long as organizers pay a $300 fee, arrange for medical staff to be present, and obtain official sanction from a reputable sports governing body.

Mr. Ackerman's question is thus whether Ordinance 1505 applies to the wrestling events he wants to host. Ordinance 1505 refers to boxing, kickboxing, and mixed martial arts matches and exhibitions. It does not mention wrestling. So Ackerman just saved himself $300, right? Whoo-hoo!

Oops, wait a minute:

Definitions. MIXED MARTIAL ARTS. Unarmed combat involving the use of a combination of techniques from different disciplines of the martial arts, including, but not limited to, grappling, kicking, and striking. "Toughman," "ultimate fighting," "extreme fighting," "cage fighting," or any similar competition will be considered MIXED MARTIAL ARTS for the purpose of this chapter [Madison City Ordinance 1505].

Uh oh: grappling. Better call the paramedics, Kyle, and call the Micro Wrestling Federation to sanction your next event!

I'm not even sure Ackerman can save himself $300 with his claim that Tunhoft's events are cheesy and phony (what? Wrestling's not real? Come on, do you think the Madison City Commission will fall for that line?). Consider the definition of exhibition:

EXHIBITION. A boxing, kickboxing, or mixed martial arts engagement in which the participants show or display their skills without necessarily striving to win [Madison City Ordinance 1505].

Hmm... If Tunhoft and his performers grapple, they fall under the commission's definition of mixed martial arts. Even if Tunhoft himself, his wife, and his daughter (hang on, isn't there something in the Bible about not wrestling with your wife in public for money?) aren't striving to win (although, fellas, wouldn't you agree that if you're wrestling with your wife, you're both winning?), they're still putting on an exhibition, and our city fathers want $300 for the privilege of staging such a show.

Now let's all sit back and enjoy watching the mayor and city attorney try to keep straight faces as they parse Ordinance 1505 to see if they really did increase the price of admission to see Minnesotans wrestle their kin.