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Avoid Gun Blasphemy: Move Schools, Stores, Offices, Military Online

Because guns are America's God, regulating guns for safety is blasphemy. So rather than interrupt my neighbors' genuflections before the bizzare, weirdly narcissistic, and flatly wrong worship of guns as the source of our freedom, permit me to solve all of our gun safety problems without prying one bang-bang from anyone's cold, clammy hands.

Children die in school shootings because we concentrate our vulnerable little targets in little prisons known as schools. Students who find themselves not fitting into the oppressive incarcerative culture of factory-model schools can develop deep alienation and anger. Should those misfits reach a mental breaking point (or just decide that Heathers should have had a different ending), they may decide to take out their rage on their school and the teachers and students they blame for their ills.

So why create for those shooters these target-rich environments? Close the schools. Send all the kids home. Put all of our curriculum and tests online (we're working on that already) and let everyone do homeschool. School shootings disappear.

Of course, some alienated and angry gun-toters choose to vent their life problems by going ballistic at shopping malls. We clearly need to wind down shopping malls and all stores with physical locations. Send folks home, tell them to buy everything online. FedEx and the Postal Service can triple their workforces and deliver our goodies in armored vehicles.

But we can find examples of mass shootings at work, too. Get the lemmings out of their cubicles; it's time for us all to telecommute! Fewer workers on the road to work means less traffic getting in the way of the delivery trucks bringing all of our purchases to our homes.

Even military bases unnecessarily concentrate human targets for crazed killers. We should disband all of our military bases and distribute their functions to soldiers' homes. After all, warfare in the 21st century is all about drones. We don't need masses of troops; a half million joystick jockeys spread around the continent make America invincible.

Movies? Netflix.

Sporting events? Wii and online role-playing games.

There you go: decentralize and distribute education, commerce, work, and the military. Reduce all of our social connections to online interactions. Let our homes be our castles, fortified to each citizen's level of ambition and paranoia. Deprive the killers of their shooting galleries; make them come shoot us one by tedious one. With this plan, I rid America of mass shootings without touching one comma of the Second Amendment.

I also contribute to the atomization and abandonment of civil society, a voluntary surrender to paranoia and Hobbesian anomie. That's a high price to pay to avoid blaspheming your bullets.


  1. Steve Sibson 2012.12.19

    So Cory, how we do abortions online?

  2. larry kurtz 2012.12.19

    Your inability to recognize irony might be a symptom of deeper pathologies like Stace Nelson lives with, Steve.

  3. Steve Sibson 2012.12.19

    Larry, I do not consider the slaughter of children, whether it is in schools or in abortion mills, something that we should be joking about.

  4. larry kurtz 2012.12.19

    But, before you go: what if President Obama negotiated a deal to lower gestation requirements for an abortion in return for an assault weapons ban. Would you support it?

  5. mike 2012.12.19

    Good stuff Cory!

  6. Dana P. 2012.12.19

    Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and freedom!! But that only applies if you don't believe in sensible gun safety laws, or a woman's freedom to make decisions about her own body, or about fairly participating in your own democracy (voting).....but other than that!!!

    Thank you Cory for pointing out the irony and hypocrisy that others appear to not really understand. Or to even try to understand.

  7. WayneB 2012.12.19

    Did Cory get some Bath Salts from Ms. Haggar?

  8. Rorschach 2012.12.19

    Meanwhile, Reverend Scott Craig advocates beating our plowshares into guns and giving them to teachers. What would Jesus do?

  9. caheidelberger Post author | 2012.12.19

    Oh my. I need to talk with Scott. As a freshman legislator, should he really be trying to steal Rep. Betty Olson's thunder?

    Steve, my plan doesn't cover everything, but we can sell the morning-after pill online.

  10. Steve Sibson 2012.12.19

    So then Cory, the killing of kids will continue anyway.

  11. Dana P. 2012.12.19

    Steve - this is just from today - just involving kids. so glad we have so many guns in circulation now. (insert sarcasm) I wish there was so much "concern" about kids after they leave the uterus, as there is for a fetus while it is in the uterus.

    oh, and here is a nice little diddy. people are so darn responsible with their guns.

    over 200 people EVERY SINGLE DAY in this country are treated for gunshot wounds (some live, some don't) But no, nothing to see here. There is nothing we can do. Let's just shrug our shoulders, I guess.

  12. John 2012.12.19

    Is it just me or is it interesting that we never have a mass shooting in a nursing home? Or do we?

  13. caheidelberger Post author | 2012.12.19

    Interesting observation, John. Maybe nursing homes don't inflict the same alienation and anger on potential shooters as schools and workplaces. Odd, since nursing homes are fraught with serious emotion.

  14. Douglas Wiken 2012.12.20

    The crazies go after the most defenseless and innocent to increase the horror of their crazed actions.

    Tax the gun industry for the unnecessary deaths. Start with $26 million for the Connecticut deaths and see if that will get their attention and start solving the problems themselves.

  15. bret clanton 2012.12.20

    Cory, your poll on whether we want you to wear a gun in the classroom is somewhat misleading. I really doubt that any legislation would be passed that did not include the wording, properly trained and licensed. And I am also inclined to believe a certain level of training would be required.
    I have not seen any opposition to having armed police in the school. You do not think a teacher could acheive the same level of competence?

  16. Steve Sibson 2012.12.20

    Regarding the poll, for those who say no you are saying Cory should then run up to guy who just shot out the glass to a locked door with an AR-15 and yell stop, stop, stop. Anybody believe Cory would get to say the third "stop"?

  17. Bill Fleming 2012.12.20

    The poll doesn't work on my machine. Can't vote, can't see results.

  18. Taunia 2012.12.20

    Ditto. It's a good question and should be asked by everyone in all capacities. ;)

  19. Bill Fleming 2012.12.20

    How about "Do you want Sibby to carry a weapon into your child's classroom?"

  20. caheidelberger Post author | 2012.12.20

    Poll now functions! Sorry to leave you hanging, Bill!

    Bret, I am not trying to mislead anyone. I'm asking a very straightforward and concrete question: do you want me to carry a gun in my classroom? Sweat the policy implications if you want, but treat it as a personal and public question. You've met me. You have some idea of my temperament. You know where I work. Should I carry a gun at work?

  21. Taunia 2012.12.20

    "Do you want Sibby to carry a weapon into your child's classroom?"

    Too soon?

  22. Taunia 2012.12.20

    Clarification: I'm LOLing.

  23. bret clanton 2012.12.20

    Obviously this forum is not open for real and meaningful discussion on the issue... Let me join the conversation, f--- y-- sibby, f--- y-- fleming

  24. Taunia 2012.12.20

    Let me further your convictions, Bret.

    "If you think Democrats are going to take away your bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your guns, you're an armed idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're (SIBSON) Bill O'Reilly." ~ Bill Maher.

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