Because I Care: A PSA for South Dakota, Starring Joan, Toby, Dusty, and Dennis!

Joan Jett managed to sound perfectly adult and equanimous over the whole "Gotta eat meat to ride South Dakota's float" publicity fiasco. But once again, South Dakota's intolerant bunker mentality has made us look like yahoos.

So to restore our public image, I offer Secretary Jim Hagen and the South Dakota Department of Tourism this script for a video to promote South Dakota as a place for everyone:

[Scene opens, two nice people sitting at picnic table, eating burgers.]

[Close-up left: TOBY KEITH, in a straw hat, sleeves torn off his checked shirt, wrapping a big handle-bar mustache around a thick Angus burger, dripping with cheese, BBQ sauce, the works. Heck, put a fried egg on top. Big noisy chewing and groans of gustatory ecstasy. Beef Check-off button clearly visible on cowboy hat.]

[Close-up right: JOAN JETT, in standard fem-punk regalia, denim jacket with sleeves torn off, wrapping sensual lips around massive soy burger, sprouts raining out from under the bun, similar dripping, similar ecstatic noises. South Dakota Soybean pin clearly visible on collar.]

JETT [looks at Keith, enunciates around big burger bite]: Hey, what're you eatin'?

KEITH: Angus burger! 100% pure beef! Yeehaw!

JETT: Real meat?! [makes suitable expression of distaste]

KEITH: Yeah! What-choo eatin'?

JETT: Soy burger! 100% soybeans! Yeah!" [makes rocker hand gesture]

KEITH: Soy? [makes suitable expression of distaste] Where's that come from?

JETT: South Dakota.

KEITH: South Dakota?!

JETT: Yeah, South Dakota. Where's your burger come from?

KEITH: South Dakota.

JETT: Really?!

KEITH: Yeah. South Dakota.

[JETT and KEITH realize oneness, exchange conciliatory gazes.]

[Enter DUSTY JOHNSON and DENNIS DAUGAARD, in aprons and really big chef hats. DUSTY struggles in, dwarfed under the weight of two trays, one heaped with soy burgers, one heaped with Angus burgers. DENNIS carries two spatulas, to keep meat from touching soy.)

DAUGAARD [with biggest goofy farm-boy grin he can muster]: Who wants another burger?

ALL [to camera]: South Dakota!

DAUGAARD: Something for everybody!

[KEITH and JETT each take one more enormous bite.]

VOICEOVER: Paid for by the South Dakota Stockgrowers and the South Dakota Soybean Association.

[FADE to black.]

Secretary Hagen, make some calls! Shoot the video! Get Dusty an apron!